I had a hard time sleeping but I finally did fall asleep. But I woke up early. Instead of going and checking on Anita at 9:30 or 10:00 AM. I had this strange feeling that I needed to check on her earlier than I normally did. If you want to call it normal to watch someone pass away. And there is nothing you can do about it but watch them die.
The day before on Friday I made a phone call to Ray and left a message, "I didn’t know how much more I could take dealing with this situation and that I needed him to help me". I never heard back from Ray that Friday night March 29, 2013.
And another thing that was getting to me was watching Peanuts climb next to Anita and trying to get her attention. But Anita had no more strength left. Especially instead of saying Peanuts get down or go away. She said, "dog go away". And to me, it was a sign she was giving up and wanting to let go and meet up with Shannon, her daughter who was married to Ray and where she died in Portland after they flew Shannon up there. Three and half months before Anita.
I called Ted at Klamath Hospice and let him know I did not know how much more I could take, and I mentioned to Ted. Something needs to be done with these dogs now. And he said we can’t do anything with them and you know why James. Anita's last wishes were to have her dogs with her until her last breath.
Ted said, take a walk, go get some fresh air and come back when you are ready. When I was talking to Ted I believed I had already gone home. If I remember correctly, I had opened the dining room windows to get some fresh air in the house. It had been a warmer, than normal day for March. Like I mentioned to Ted I had to go back soon to close the windows before it starts to get cold in there again. And I did not want Anita getting cold now.
Ted, then said, “Go when you are ready to go back”.
Even Judy had never been involved in such a situation where there was no family member to be the one taking care of their loved one, in their final moments dying at home. It was even beginning to get to Judy.
Judy observed how emotional upset I was getting. Knowing as well as I did, the time was getting closer. Even Debra was seeing what I was going through with my emotions. I don’t know what I would have done without Klamath Hospice. They were my moral support. For them, I was their eyes and ears as to Anita’s daily or hourly condition and prognosis.
All the staff at Klamath Hospice were used to seeing people die, as that is their chosen profession. I did not choose to be in this position, Anita choose it for me. And as a loving friend, I could not walk away, that would not be like me or the kind of friends Anita and me had become.
In fact, before I took on what I did. Iva Rogers and I discussed who would help to take care of Anita when she was released from the hospital the second week in January 2013. Where she and I went to the Sky Lakes Cancer Treatment Center to have them admit Anita because she was running a high fever, and so she did have to go to the regular ER at Sky Lakes and sit there and wait for them to admit her to the hospital.
I was the one that drove her that day Saturday, January 5, 2013. Anita did not trust anyone to drive her anywhere as she always liked to be the one behind the wheel and in control and in charge of her car. But she knew she was not well enough to handle driving herself to Klamath Falls, that's why she asked me to do it for her.
I had mentioned to Iva I did not know how much I would be able to handle. After all I took care of my mom. But this was different in the regard Anita was not my mother, she was a friend.
We arrived at the Sky Lakes Cancer Treatment Center and Anita explained to them what her plan was. Even Iva I believe had suggested the same thing to go through the Cancer Center to be admitted. That going through the Cancer Center was less degrading, as it would be in the ER waiting around there to be admitted to the hospital was so impersonal. Waiting with a room full of strangers, where at the Sky Lakes Cancer Treatment Center Anita would be among health professionals she had known since she was first diagnosed with Acute Leukemia and where she had to do the chemo treatments with her blood. Where she would go for four days getting treatment, one week out of the month and then have her blood tested every Monday until the next month, to do it all over again.
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